Mary Beth Sauerstein's Advice Page

note: this page is purely fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, and the people and places mentioned on this page is purely coincidental. And amazing...but we post this because because your emails have taught us that the world is full of morons with access to email.

I'm sorry I have to "disguise" my photograph...As it is I have to fight off men from Lodi to Merced...all along highway 99, if you must know...I'm sure you understand that a girl can't be too careful! Anyway, I'm glad to be able to help you poor pathetic gentlemen and women along life's rocky path!

Dear Marybeth,
I have a friend that I work with lets call her Problem Child and she has a friend that used to work for one foodservice company and now works for another, lets call him Sissy Sysco Boy. Supposable the problem is that Problem Child is not sure that Sissy Sysco Boy is really her true friend anymore and feels that he is prospecting when he comes around. The reason for this is because Problem Child is a purchasing agent and does not buy product from Sissy Sysco Boys Company. What would you suggest Problem Child do about this situation? Please be reasonable.....
Sincerely,
Wild Horses
P.S. If you need more information please let me know.....

Dear Ildho,
Nobody writes me anymore. Here I sit every damned day at the very goodest end of the bar gazing longingly at the Dr. What's His Name Hangover Remedy packets that are stapled to the lovely piece of cardboard just under the piece of paper taped to the mirror that advertises a dart tournament from about seven years ago and then I cast my lovely eyes down at the ice bin and remember that I have a key, an earring, nine books of matches and a lot of broken glasses somewhere down there in the ice and I wish that Algore was here so he could tell me that the ice was melting and then I could get my stuff back and I could probably just lean over the bar and dig around but I think I forgot to put on clean panties today and I don't want Lenny making fun of me because that could lead to violence. Thank you for writing, dear!
W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I went to a Octoberfest party at Electric Dave's brewery Sat. Nite. I was talking to Cedric and his wife telling them that the party could get a little "rasty". Cedric says "naw". Just them a guy named "Pablo Pencil" [a local cartoonists] who was standing near us, fell backwards like a tree. He finally leaned up and asked who punched him. You might consider changing bars.
Baron in Bisbee

Dear Bee,
I am told that back in the 1950's many homosexuals from the Fire Island area of New York or someplace just as good decided to move to San Francisco because of many reasons that probably include, but certainly are not limited to anal sex, but many of them got tired on the trip over and stopped in Bisbee, Arizona, and there they stayed. It is a well-known fact that every single bar in Bisbee is a gay bar. N. D. Ted frequently leaves his dental practice in Chico, California, and vacations in Bisbee and he stays until he can't sit down anymore. Here at the Galt Tavern we do not permit gayly behavior because, as Bruce the hairdresser says: "there are too many ugly drunks in here." I am sure that he was referring to Lenny or maybe to that guy passed out next to Spuds MacKenzie and we would normally wake him up but he looks so cute curled around the light-up Spuds that we just sit here throwing beer caps at him and one of mine landed right on his enormous nose. I'm so glad I could help you, dear!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Hico,
The 4th of July, which this year fell on the 4th, which was pretty stupid because it is the middle of the week, was not very good this year for lots of reasons but mainly for Lenny. We were just starting to test fireworks and after a couple of Piccolo Pete's Ben told us to take the fireworks outside and do them in the parking lot and Lenny told me to grab the punk so I put a strangle hold on Ed, who just happened to be celebrating his 83rd birthday...Happy Birthday, Ed!...and Ben threw a glass of ice that hit me square in the face (I'm sure he was aiming at Ed) and then he tried to tell me that a "punk" was like a sparkler only duller, so I kicked Lenny in the balls which is what he deserved. Happy Fourth, everyone.
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What kind of car do you drive? Money is on this one.
Speedy in Salinas

Dear Linas,
So good to hear from you! You were my favorite stooge. I loved the way the little girl pulled the football away from the roundhead kid every year and when you guys were plumbers and screwed up the judge's house was pretty good and whatever happened to Alfalfa and the dog with the black eye? I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What can I do about my husband. I am sure he is cheating with his co-worker. He just smell like office sex when he comes home. Should I dump him or jump the bones of my co-worker who has been hitting on me for seven years?
Frog in Freemant

Dear Reema,
Sex smell seems to be everywhere. It's not just for the bedroom floor anymore. One of the most difficult places to eliminate the smell of intense Porky-Lorky is the front seat of a K-Car. There's something about those cloth seats that just holds old memories for slow release. I recommend that you fill the ash tray half full of bleach and spray white creme de menthe on the floor mats. They make very tasteful little tree-shaped things that smell like urinal blocks and they are sold at raghead stores so pick a few of those up and hang them on the rear view mirror. Also you should try to pull the dried-up condominiums off of the seat and floor as these can contribute to the aroma problem. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
People tell me that if you are healthy and you take a number two that the result should look like an "S". Is there any credence to this theory.
"I" in Stockton

Dear Insto,
If you are a serious PD you will not pay any attention to drinks number one, two or three after entering the Tavern of your choice. A true PD will have a Professional Bartender who sets up the drink upon your entering through the backdoor (only civilians enter through the front door) without your having to order it. The second drink is being poured while you slam the first, but the third will only be poured when you are half way done with number two. Now you can relax and begin your drinking for the day. Any drinks consumed at "home" or in the car on the way to your Tavern do not count. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth
Mary, would you tell the webmaster that Bore-our-wits belongs on his own page.
Foodie in Freemont

Dear Ood,
Borowitz is a very funny man who stops by the Galt Tavern several times a day to work on his column. Actually, the webmaster does not particularly like Borowitz, but his partner, N.D. Ted, is extremely queer about the young Borowitz and apparently InsideFood is forced to run his column; however, on the upside, he does buy drinks for this gorgeous gal when he is ensconced at the bar about halfway between the good end and the front door end. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I notice that recently you have been posting on the 1st a and the 15th. Any chance that you had to get a job and pay the webmaster for the right to host your drivel?
Sheesh in South San Francisco

Dear Rancis,
Every bit of advice given by this lovely reporterette is critical to the life of some pathetic loser such as yourself. All of my advice is verified by an expert. Just the other day I handed Lenny a shovel and told him to find out what Miss Manners would think of his getting buggers stuck between his front teeth. Please take a few minutes to put a garden hose in your tailpipe and secure it with duct tape and run it into the car and roll up the windows, start the car, and think about this for an hour or two. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Where do Pandas come from. My brother in-law said they come from China. I told he him that he was crazy nuts. Can you help settle this family dispute?
Animal Lover in Livermore

Dear Vermo,
Pandas are animals and that means they are from outdoors. Nothing good can come of things from outdoors so it is best to leave them to professionals. I called the Galt Wild Animal Park and Dairy and was told that people eat animals and I'm not sure if this is true but I think they said that some people make animals into meat which, though it is hard to believe, just might be true. Professional hunters probably shoot cows and ducks and pandas and make them into trays of stuff people buy and cook or even already cooked at "restaurants." I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
My neighbor dropped a rock, actually it is a boulder in my front yard. I guess he thinks I need to do some landscaping. You think maybe next time he could take it off the top of my Volkswagen?
Rocky in Rocklin

Dear Kyin,
A few years ago someone dropped a drunken mexican in the front yard of the Doublewide Mobile Estate of this lovely reporterette. After a few hours and screaming and moaning stopped so I ventured out and cut the rope around his wrists and let him crawl through my front door. It is a tribute to the culturally aware character of this lovely lass that I spent the next 2 1/2 days nursing him back to health which took 7 cases of PBR and dozens of condominiums that were ribbed for my pleasure. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Have you ever tried to have dinner and suddenly some very rude diners just can't keep the cussing down? Some people just can not refrain from the vulgarities. Don't they know that food and foul language don't mix!
Polite in Pleasanton

Dear Lite,
When a casual diner encounters another table of patrons of one's favorite restaurant using offensive language it is appropriate to nudge them back to propriety by using various techniques in a politely firm manner:
1. look the offenders in the eye and say: "Hey, you simple bastards, keep the noise down, can't you see there's a f*****g lady here?"
2. throw a large salt shaker at the forehead of the main offending party
3. pick up a dinner plate (full), walk over to the other table, dump the contents of the plate on the offending party's head, then swing the plate as hard as possible and shatter it over the right ear of the offender.
If none of the above work, simply flip their table over and run.
I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I was reading your recent "tip of the day" and you said "Winners never quit, and losers never spill". I think in your case it should be "Losers never quit and Winners never spill" What do you think about that you old bag!
Ex Boyfriend in the East Bay

Dear Friend,
Jealousy is a strange thing. Perhaps you have forgotten the good times by the dumpster and are dwelling on the ONE time I showed up at your daughter's wedding and tackled her at the altar because I though you were getting married and then your wife jumped on my back but I was able to grab a chalice and render her unconscious and, as I was working her over with my feet, your mother had a so-called "heart attack" but I think that was just to get attention and after all I did send flowers to her funeral or at least I was going to but I didn't know for sure which mortuary to send them to or I was broke or something just as good and isn't it really time you just grow up? W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I am in the process of stuccoing my house. These contractors are the most independent people I have ever seen. They show up any time they want to. At any hour they want to. Do I have any recourse that you are aware of?
Remodeling in Redwood City

Dear Odel,
You need to hire a reputable contractor. This lovely reporterette recommends "Buford and Betty's Home Repair and Sexual Counseling" services which operates all over the country out of the back of a van that doesn't have windows except the one in front and they have very practical cardboard on the driver and passenger side and they know how to get down to business and take care of your house and sometimes you even see them again after you pay them which you must do upfront and besides if you lived in a Mobile Estate you would never have to worry about fixing things because stuff never goes wrong in an Estate. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Did you run a CB base station down around Galt before you got famous on the internet?
Communicator in Concord

Dear Muni,
The only person that knows to how run a CB base station is N. D. Tedly. Tedly has what is I think called an "over-powered/illegal single sideband" base station that has the remarkable ability to cut through any trucker's signal and simultaneously kill birds flying near the antenna. Tedly's ritual involves drinking enough beer so that wearing only a cowboy hat, jockey shorts and boots seems like a good idea and then cranking up the CB and infuriating truckers who are on their way to Chico from Los Molinos or someplace just as good and I think that is how the annual Leo Gorcey Days Drunkathon got started in Los Molinos because Tedly kept steering truckers to that location and also I think it made the NB Cafe very famous. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Have you ever been stalked electronically?
Fritz in Freemont

Dear Mont,
Electronics are amazing things. We live in an electronic age. If it were not for electronics we would not have matches or those stems stuck onto cherries that you can tie into knots with your tongue which is certain to get you a short date with this lovely reporterette if you keep buying enough drinks and I'll tell you when it's enough. Electronics make it possible to have Tavern doors that know which way to swing because when you enter they push in and when you leave they push out which is pretty amazing except that the Professional Drinkers use the back door next to the dumpster near L&M Meats and the very Adult Bookstore (back entrance) but that door knows how to close itself so there you have electronics again. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Nice to see you back at it. You are a breath fresh air and have been sorely missed. Where the heck have you been?
Go Girl in Galt

Dear Irl,
Breath is very important and we proved that in a very scientifically experiment the other day at the research lab we call the Galt Tavern and we call it that because that is its name. Ben bet Lenny a drink that he couldn't shove an olive (stuffed with a lovely imported pimento, whatever the hell that is) up each nostril while eating a pickled egg. After inserting the olives he put the egg in his mouth and I though it would be funny to startle him so I grabbed a pool cue and did a Louisville Slugger number on the small of his back and Lenny simultaneously sucked the egg down his throat and inhaled the olives which really got them stuck up his nose and then the funniest thing happened because Lenny fell forwards onto the bar and then somehow bounced backwards and fell on the floor and while he turned a funny shade of blue he started flapping around like a large catfish out of water (and catfish are wildlife and should be avoided) and he finally bounced his way over near the jukebox and tried to pull himself up on it, which made "The Walk of Life" skip real bad, and then the jukebox fell over and the corner of it hit Lenny in the stomach and the damned egg went flying like a golfball and hit the ceiling and fell on the holy statue of Spuds Mackenzie and some of it fell inside Spuds through the hole where his left ear is broken off and Ben was so mad that the jukebox fell over that he wouldn't give Lenny the free drink. All in the name of science. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Dub,
Many people, including this lovely reporterette choose not to drink. The only times I drink are when other people purchase drinks for me because it would be very rudely to refuse to consume their gifts but sometimes when I am all by myself and there is no one to buy a drink I have to buy one and sometimes I am in my lovely spacious doublewide and I have a drink but usually those are drinks that the mexican gardener du jour has left by my very tasteful bed or the occasional slug of tequila from a bottle left on the lawn. Also sometimes I drink on credit. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What kind of bar snacks do they serve at the Galt Tavern? Every good drinking establishment serves a good happy hour treat.
Hungry in Hillsdale

Dear Dale,
The Galt Tavern offers free matches with the purchase of a pack of cigarette and if you are a regular tipper you will get a fairly clean glass and the toothpick in your drink will only have been used a couple of times and Ben does a pretty good job of wiping them on his pants anyway. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I am a ladder climber and I don't find anything wrong with that. I am a shameless self promoter and will do what ever it takes to advance me status and I don't see anything wrong with that either. Why do people stop talking when I walk into a room?
Victor in Victory

Dear Tory,
Ladders are very dangerous because one time some crazy woman dragging a kid behind her came storming into the Galt Tavern and grabbed her husband's car keys and after slapping him smartly across the left side of his stubbly bearded face she ran out the front door and threw the keys on the roof and so Lenny got a ladder and climbed up to the roof from the back by leaning the ladder on the dumpster which left about a foot and a half gap to the roof so when he jumped to the roof the ladder fell backwards which left Lenny up there on the hot tar looking for the keys and then he forgot what he was doing up there and the sun was beginning to set and it wasn't much fun watching him anymore so we went back inside but once in a while we would hear him screaming through a vent or something just as good so we would send someone out to throw a beer up to him which kept him quiet for a while. He must have somehow gotten down because he's here today. I'm glad I could help you, dear!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Ord,
When you lift your chin off the bar and then wipe the piece of joke bevnap off your face and ask Ben for a bag of very imported cashews or a pickled pig knuckle or a lovely pickled egg and he dips his hand into the egg jar and tosses you an egg...that's foodservice. I'm glad I could help you, dear!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Sari,
Regular bills like the rent and parking tickets are due around the first of the month but others come at odd times and are called idles. Bar tabs and electric bills are mostly due sometime between the first and the last of the month in the idles. The Galt Tavern is a very special place because they don't get regular bills like most common businesses...they are what is called "Certified Check in Advance" and that is muchly special because not many people are certifiable. Every week Barney unloads the beer and wheels it in on the handtruck but before he even unloads it Ben reaches into the shoe box under the bar and hands him a check and then Barney reads the check 3 or 4 times and holds it up to the light shining through the pickled egg jar and then he dumps the beer off. I'm glad I could help you, dear!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I understand that after you eat cheese any wine will taste good and you can not tell the difference between the good stuff and a common boxed wine. You think the French have been using this trick to pawn off bad wine on us for years?
Wine Snob in Walnut Creek

Dear Nut,
The froggies are the ones who taught us that to make wine taste good you should add Karo syrup or antifreeze. I opened a fine pint of cheese this morning and saw that many of the curds were moldy so I threw it out on the lawn of my spacious doublewide for the mexicans to eat later and then I grabbed a box of wine and opened the spigot and let it flow into my lovely mouth and it tasted horrible but that might have been because it was Rhine stuff which is probably made from pork skins or something just as good. I'm glad I could help you, dear!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dearest M. Sauerstein,
Since you once dated a bread man, can you tell me what makes a hunk of bread a ciabatta?
Doughy in Daly City

Dear Alyci,
"Dated a bread man?" What the hell are you talking about? To call what Hunky and I had "dating" is like calling Edison's cure for cancer "nice." All those blessed nights in the storeroom on the smashed boxes, the blissful afternoons on the smashed returned bread in the back of the truck, skinning my knees in back of the dumpster...these are the things that make a great romance, not a date. Please don't write again. I'm glad I could help you, dear!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

This is not a goodly way to start a new year. Why doesn't the government do something about hangovers? We need to find out what causes this terrible disease which is very dangerous because it is contagious which should be obvious because everyone here has it today.
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Faithful Readers,
And I am also including those of you who have to have someone read this to them because the words seem to swim on the page. May I suggest you close one eye and hold on very tightly to the edge of the bar. On this day we remember Christmas and the holy day on which Saint O'Clause was born and now still hangs around and brings some people stuff but you used to have to have chimneys but since most people don't anymore he more often shows up at Taverns and maybe he used to show up at regular bars but it just got too hectic and one christmas we actually had 3 saints in here around midnight and then they got in a fight over who was jolliest and after it was settled and the cops had left we all had a pretty good laugh and then we sang "It's beginning to look a lot like o holy silent night" or something just as good and played a game that involved passing out on the floor. Merry Christmas to almost all of you!
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I global warming real or is Al Gore just going through male menopause?
Hot in Lanta

Dear Inla,
Inlas are one of the main reason that this lovely reporterette chooses to remain virginally single not unlike Queen Elizabeth I, and many people compare me to Liz I for very good reason because she smoked Kools and she probably drank at a Royal Tavern called Ye Olde Galt Taverne kind of like Harry calls the Sticky Wicket Ye Olde Sticky Wicket after he bought it from Ted and the place is a little cleaner now than then but you can't have everything. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Will you take those disgusting pictures off of the fine man, Ted's page?
Civil in Concord

Dear Ivil,
The pagely to which you refer, TedHall, is actually run by a man named "Buford." Buford has complete control over which pictures actually appear on the page, and, I believe, most of the pictures are of Buford and his family. This lovely reporterette has taken the liberty of posting an actual photo of Buford here. Buford is well known for inventing the "Bu86" which is a delightful mixture of milk and gasoline. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I am a product of new math. I can't make change to save my life. Why didn't
I get the basics...?
Counting on you in Canton

Dear Anto,
Many people complain about math but more people complain about how bad things smell when you have a common industrial accident called a "hangover." When the room has a slight tendency to spin and someone sneaked in and put 2,000 watt light bulbs in all the sockets for some reason the bleach dumped on the floor in back of the bar assaults the senses like Al Sharpton at a mormon temple. Someone, some day, will get a Nobel Prize or something just as good for finding out a good way to be able to drink for 14 or 15 hours and not have it bother you. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Should I sleep with my brother's wife? She wants it, they all want it.
Sincerely N.D.Ted

Dear Tedly,
Sleeping with relatives is always a good idea because it gives people something to talk about at family gatherings and if things get slow various family members can pair up and wander off for a little "El Porky Lorky." There is, I suppose, the slight danger of someone getting jealous and pulling out a hand gun but that can easily be avoided by making sure that everyone is good and drunk and every family occasion. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Kron,
Many men are not in favor of implants because they think they are already very bigly an un-asian like instead of very much like Leon McMohammed who is about the size of a Wishing Well inflatable hot dog and if Leon ever opts for an implant you can be sure that this lovely reporterette will be writing a letter that starts: "Dear Mr. Guiness..." I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
My husband is gone all the time. He says he is working "overtime". I don't want to check up on him because if I do we lose trust and without trust you can not have a relationship. Can you give me any suggestions for me to fill my time with until he gets bored with his "overtime"?
Faithful in Freemont

Dear Ait,
Is your husband a bread truck driver whose initials are "Hunky Bryan?" If he is then you should believe every word he says because believe me when that man puts in overtime me am overjoyed. If he is not my HB then he is a liar because all men are liars like the Saccani beer delivery guy who told his boss that he was late because he was attacked by a drunken blonde at the Galt Tavern and I would hardly call it an attack and it wasn't until I actually cold-cocked him upside the head that I discovered it wasn't a plastic bottle and I did make every effort to return his pants but I guess I just got bored and quit trying. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Mary Beth hasn't posted in almost a year ... is the column dead now?
Curious

Dear Rio,
How can you say that? Just because I am a little tiny bit behind in my work don't you realize how hard it is to answer 30 questions per month...or 10....or around 4? Sometimes every tap of the computer key reverberates in my head as though the entire north korean army is marching back and forth across my beautiful brain and my mouth is dry (but lovely) and the lights are too bright and I can smell clorox or something just as good coming out of the back bar and why don't you just shut up? I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Is it true that working in the Foodservice Business will either ruin your marriage, or keep you from getting married in the first place? I have been in this business for over 30 years, and I have seen more marriages go bad, or those who are single seem to continue to give more and more of their time to their career, and less to a personal life. Is there some kind of a link here ya think?
Sign me ...
Single and shipping Green Beans

Dear Reenbea,
This lovely reporterette can't relate to people who whine about having a personal life. Every day I devote my life to helping scum like you lead a semblance of a normal life. I work my drinking elbow to the bone every day of the week so I can medicate or meditate on the worldly situation. Quit complaining about marriage and get your ass up on a barstool and start working out! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Where the heck are you? Your fans are getting nervous. You have never been gone this long before. Please keep us in the loop.
Concerned in Concord

Dear Onco,
The demands of this job are simply overwhelming. You have no idea what it is like to have to write one or two messages per month. Please shut up.
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I have a problem getting dates. You see, I live in a godam trashcan, and women seem to avoid me. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Oscar The Grouch

Dear Art,
If you follow these basic rules you will become a "chick magnet:"
1) Take a shower at least twice per week, and make sure you use soap or cleanser at least once per week.
2) Drink at least six days per week at the Galt Tavern.
3) Provide a pack of Kools to the beautiful blonde at the good end of the bar.
4) While you should buy a drink for the blonde at the good end of the bar every quarter hour or so it is not necessary that you speak to her...carry on your transactions through Ben.
5) Visit a quality realtor that specializes in Mobile Estates. Be sure to make sure that the word "estate" is included somewhere in the operation.
6) Make sure that you block the missing teeth in the front with something like gum or a piece of a matchbook cover.
You will be in like Flynn! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
My friends tell me that I talk too much. I don't think that I talk to much. There is never too much conversation in this world. How could society have evolved without dialog? I don't talk too much. I think my friend does know how to listen. People who don't talk enough are bitter spiteful little people and have no idea what to do in social situations. I know for a face that I don't talk too much because I have never been cut off while in conversation. Lot's of people have tried to interrupt me and they have not been successful I can tell you that. I really like to communicate. Communication is the spice of life. How would we live if we did not discuss things. Discussion is a good thing and it can never be a negative thing, you know what I mean? I just think some people are stupid and rude.
Cathy in Chatsworth

Dear Ats,
You talk too much. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Is a swan and a snow goose the same thing?
Outdoors in Ohio

Dear Doo,
You am clearly an amateur. A goose is a clumsy move that frequently involves the bunching of underwear whereas the swan is a smooth action that usually results in a quick trip to the back of the dumpster or some place just as good. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
If you ever do stand up, can I be your official heckler?
Carlos in Columbus

Dear Lumbu,
Standing up is very dangerous and I do not recommend it. If people were meant to stand up there would be no barstools. This lovely reporterette could tell you no end of the horror stories that resulted in horrible physical injuries that would never have occurred if the person had simply had the good sense to remain propped up on a barstool. Of course it is important to remember how to sit safely on a barstool. First, sit as close to the bar as possible. Second, and this is very important, resist the urge to tilt back on the stool. Third, place each elbow firmly on the bar (I need to stop counting now because my beautiful head is starting to hurt.), next firmly grasp the glass or bottle with the right hand. Since part of the function of the right hand is to provide leverage it is important never to hold onto an empty glass or bottle...safety demands that you keep those drinks coming. Use the left hand to fiddle with the ash tray. The back should be well hunched. Keep the face generally pointed down...this will also keep smartasses from using your drink for an ashtray (Lenny) and will also assure that you know when to order the next drink. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What is your favorite color. Mine is red and I think that is most everyone's favorite color. Or at least it should be! Don't you just think this is so?
Betty Beth in Bethesda

Dear Thesda,
Picking a color is very dependent on what color you like. It also depends on what time of the evening it is. Near the beginning of a lively evening beer is my favorite color, but as the scintillating evening progresses I tend towards the warmth of a lovely Boilermaker and then end the day with a precious creme de menthe, which, even though it is foreign, is a very nice color. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Do you ever feel guilty for being so successful?
Doing Well in Williamsport

Dear Liam,
Guilt is something that is merely a passing thought. Thoughts can be very dangerous and his lovely reporterette has found that the best antidote for thoughts is our old friend Mr. Alcohol. I'm glad I could help, dear!
W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Who invented the grid for the Fleming Valve?
Curious in Chowchilla

Dear Rio,
You are referring to the great grand uncle of Jerry DeForest who fixes our juke box and whose grandfather invented the pine scented tree shaped air freshener that you hang in cars and mostly you just hang them from your rear-view window so your car will smell as fresh as a new urinal block and less like you. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I can tell by your astute and laser-sharp mind that you have the answers to many of life's unanswered questions. To that end I have a couple of questions that have been nawing at me for years. I'm sure I'll have some more tomorrow...
1) Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
2) Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
3) Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
4) Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
and, last but not least...
5) What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?
Curiously,
Henrietta Hinklemeister-Steingarten
Paris, TN

Dear Lemeis,
How nice it is that foreigners can live in the United States and waste the time of people who may be very lovely but they work very hard answering questions that if I didn't answer people would be left confused and hopeless and people would be jumping out of windows or something just as good and then people would have to clean up the bodies on the street but after a few days nobody would want to touch them so we would have to hire foreigners to clean them up and there they go taking jobs away from us again. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Does your newspaper ever get to your house on time? My paper boy must be getting sidetracked down the street at the desperate housewives home. I hope that kid wears a condom.
STD in San Antonio

Dear Toni,
In the old days there were things called "paper boys" and they got up very early in the morning to get on fat-tired bikes and risk getting smashed by a car in the fog so that they could get $30 a month so that some day they could buy beer with it but then in the mid 1950's sex was invented and they could keep the kids from servicing more than 3 or 4 houses so they started hiring old Filipino guys or maybe they are gals but it doesn't matter because the main thing is that they get people that are truly unsexable so now people get their papers but they still haven't solved the problem of getting them to read it so what's the point? I'm glad I could help you with your pathetic concern, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
My company does not appreciate my abilities. I have forgotten more that all the upper level managers ever knew. They are a bunch of butt kissing clones. Not a one of them has the gonads to say what is really on their mind. Don't you think managers should listen more often?
Biting Tongue in Tucson

Dear Ucso,
People with abilities are called cripples or gimps so get with the program and try not to be disrespectful. Abilitied people are frequently made fun of but the only reason I do that is because they get the best parking spots and when I need some Kools and everyone at the GT is out of them why should I have to walk two extra car widths when there is a perfectly good spot right next to the door and besides they always hog the conversations in TedHall so I really have a right to be upset. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Have you ever been to the Hamptons? I hear it is a great vacation spot. Where is your all time favorite vacation destination?
Rounder in Redding

Dear Eddi,
The other day I tripped on a rolling beer bottle in the inner sanctum (a.k.a. bedroom) of my spacious mobile estate and before I hit the luxuriously carpeted floor I grabbed the Hampton and it broke my fall. I had forgotten that I had put many clothes in it with the very good intention of washing them someday. As curiosity seized my lovely self I began to pull things out of the Hampton. It was not unlike an archaeologist opening a long-lost tomb or a refrigerator in a neighbor's house or something just as good. I found two sets of car keys for vehicles that have long since died, several tie-dyed shirts that were stretched out nicely by my tastefully huge breasticles, and what would have been a nicely aged wine if (1) Ripple aged and (2) it was not already opened, 3 cans of Billy Beer...and the dig stopped there as I got a large and lovely plastic glass and filled it with ice cubes from my goremay refrigerator that somehow makes its own ice but it's not clear like at the Galt Tavern, but anyway I dumped the first Billy Beer in the ice and then decided to go to the Galt Tavern but someday I'll wash those clothes. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What is up with the roses this year. Is it all the rain or the hot spell? I feed them, I water them and they just don't look right. The leaves fall off quickly and the color is anemic at best. Help?
Gardener in Galt

Dear Inga,
Many, or at least some, mexicans choose to work, dear! God made roses so that mexicans could tend them. Roses were originally invented to line the driveways of lovely mobile estates. This lovely reporterette lives in a Mobile Estate near downtown metropolitan Galt, California, and her estate is a doublewide which means it is a spacious mobile estate and that is the best kind. I wonder if Mama Sauerstein ever thought that her daughter would someday move from the singlewide in Fresno and become the most beautiful woman in the world and that she would be a P.D. and a licensed beautician and that people would flock from all over to buy her drinks at the Galt Tavern and that her breasts would be eternally perky unlike Big Carole. I'm glad I could help you, dear! Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What is the difference between a cannelloni and a cannoli?
Food Critic in Freemont

Dear Foo,
Both of those terms are insults that were invented to be used on people of woply descent or something just as good. As you know many great things came out of Italy: spaghetti, pizza, pizza rolls, Franco American Spaghetti-like-stuff in a can, Chef BoyRDee stuff in a can, the old guys who make Gallo wine and the one who is not dead lives around here someplace and the one who got killed by the other one lives in the Modesto cemetery, and also we got candles that drip stuck in bottles and we got checkered table cloths made out of plastic stuck to cloth and we also got the mafia and the stuff mexicans put in their hair but we never got any good people unless you count the guys we wound up deporting back there but anyway a "cannoli" is a punk and a "cannelloni" is a young punk. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
When you eat breakfast do you call them pancakes or hotcakes?
Batter up in Baltimore

Dear Timore,
It depends upon whom I wake up withly. If my gentleman caller turns out to be a mexican then I just tell him to pick up a few empty bottles on the way out and to not wake up the neighbors as he exits the spacious doublewide estate but if it is a normal person then I instruct them to get me something from Denny's or someplace just as good but if it is someone like Monsignor Latimer then I am very respectful and I pay for part of the breakfast which is usually a Tomato Float at the Galt Tavern because I am a very religious person. I'm glad I could help you, dear! Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Has anyone ever approached you about making a reality series about your daily life?
Producer in Palm Springs

Dear Pring,
The life of this lovely reporterette is often filled with excitement and danger. I will never forget the time that I had new nails put on and I accidentally lit one on fire when I was lighting up my El Mucholy Refreshing Kool. The Galt Volunteer Fire Department was called and they were pretty upset until I bravely volunteered to service the chief in back of the dumpster but then he slipped in a puddle of grease that some mexican left there and he fell backwards and hit the next guy in line and anyway it was a big mess and then I remembered that I had left half a boilermaker on the bar and since Lenny was there when I left I thought he might drink it so I ran smartly back into the bar (with my very firm breasticles bouncing in a lady-like way) and smacked Lenny smartly upside the head and his glasses fell into the ice bin and if that doesn't make for good tv viewing I don't know what does. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
How do you slow down teenage boys? They want to move so fast. I would like to get to know them before we move on to the next phase. At least their name!
Young and Innocent in Illinois

Dear Nocent,
Beer, when combined with a sensible regimen of barbiturates, can be a wonderful aid in calming down the youth of today. A child who regularly imbibes alcohol is much less likely to get involved with drinking or school work, either of which can contribute to societal problems. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Happy 4th of July!
A Patriotical Message from Noted Historianette
Mary Beth Sauerstein, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Today is the day on or upon which we celebrate the day a long time ago when great people like Washington, Lincoln and Lee started a big fight with Queen Elizabeth or somebody just as good and then we whipped them pretty good and then we started New York and stuff like that and we invented apple pie and watermelon and hot dogs and condominiums that are ribbed for my pleasure and life just got better and better and just when people thought it couldn't get any betterer along came Simon Schlitz and he invented beer and I think he lived next door to Hiram Walker and that guy invented hard liquor and then a truly great man, inspired by a Truly Fine Pale Beer, invented the moving beer sign that showed pictures of the Land of Sky Blue Waters and they had to have someplace to put it so they invented the Tavern and the rest is history. God Bless America!

Dear Mary Beth,
You are one mysterious lady. You seem to know lots of people in California and Colorado yet no one I talk to knows who you are for sure. I have even gone as far as marrying a girl to find out if she is you. Well?
Honeymooner in Hayward

Dear Ward,
Were you an insurance salesman because all insurance salesmen used to smoke a pipe and wear a skinny tie and I know you must have been a very heavy drinker because you are a nice man to June and the Beaver but you can't be a PD because you spend too much time at home and how come the kids haven't grown up after all these years but the main thing is I think you need to beat Eddie's ass real soon. Thank you, dear! Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
My sister is having an affair. I do not know who the guys is but she seems very happy. I feel very badly for her husband. Let's say she decides to leave her husband would it be proper for me to put the moves on him right away so I don't miss my chance?
Dysfunctional in Detroit

Dear Troi,
It is not proper to have an affair with your brother-in-law. Please just stick to oral sex as this is very proper providing it is done in a discrete place like next to the juke box in your local Tavern but only after 5:30 p.m. and certainly not in the morning. If you absolutely MUST engage in holy Porky-Lorky please remember that a condominium is in order. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I am having trouble with my local tavern. They insist on closing early if there are no patrons, besides me that is. Our bartender, let's call him Bert, tells me that I don't pay the light bill. Is there anything I can do to make him keep the joint open for the posted hours on the door?
Appalled in Amsterdam

Dear Pal,
Whenever you are in disagreement with a Professional Bartender you have a serious problem on your hands. Pissing off a Bartender in a Tavern can disrupt your entire life. The first thing you need to do is prioritize your life. Make a list of who is most important in your life. Here's a suggestion:
1) Bartender
2) Bookie
3) Bail Bondsman
4) Wife
5) Children
Think about things you can do to improve your Bartender relationship. Have you marked his birthday on your calendar? Do you know his shirt size? When was the last time you bought him a present "just because?" Please remember that Bartenders are people too: sometimes it is easy to think of them as God-like beings because we give them so much power over our lives. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
All I think about is chocolate. Day and night. Night and day. Candy, cakes, ice cream, anything that is chocolate flavored. People tell me that chocolate is an aphrodisiac, but I could care less about sex. Just chocolate. Do you think that I have issues?
Candy Girl in Wonkaville

Dear Kavi,
Tomorrow is the day when some woman will put down her guide dog and white cane and wander down the aisle to marry Gary Kleidon. Whilst many bookies and sporting types will be very much hoping that she has a real job we would like to stick to the romantic nature of the arrangement. Love is like a cold beer that you open and then you get in a conversation with a friend and you never touch the beer because you order a drink and later in the evening you look at the beer and it is now warm and somebody stuck a cigarette butt in it. It brings a tear to this lovely reporterette's beautiful eye. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Noy,
Early this afternoon upon my arousal from el muchly restfulrino slumberasaurus (as the mexicanos say) and I realized that I was late for work at the Galt Tavern. You may not believe this but I actually wear makeup and take care of other womanly-type things even though my natural beauty is world-renowned. As I braced my lovely self on the edge of the sink and leaned towards the mirror that is so lucky as to be able to reflect my face I began plucking my left eyebrow. I started thinking about which drink I would have first at work and I guess I got absorbed in the process because the next thing I knew my eyebrow was completely gone and I didn't have any eye liner to draw one on so I grabbed a felt tip marker out of the drawer but it was a broad tip liner so it went on a little heavy and now as I sit here at the good end of the bar I am realizing two things: firstly is that the marker was a yellow highlighter, secondly is that it runs. This may not be my best day. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I have been on the same job since 1969. I am happy yet unfulfilled. Should I wait until retirement or give my notice right away and try something new and exciting?
Beau in Birmingham

Dear Rimi,
Unfulfilled people generally do not drink enough. You need to consult a professional Bartender in a local Tavern. Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Being that you date so many people of Hispanic descent, are you bilingual?
Speech Coach in Chowchilla

Dear Howch,
This lovely reporterette is not at all interested in women for sex. This multi-cultural cutie believes in having intimate and holy Porky Lorky with men, including mexicans and people who are not gardeners but only in the sanctity of an area about 100 yards surrounding the Galt Tavern unless we are in the Sauersteinmobile or ensconced in the confines of a luxurious doublewide mobile estate. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
How man kids should a person have?
Pregnant and Counting in College City

Dear Mary Beth,
The girl in the cubicle next to me at work is soooo hot. I can not tell you what she does to me. I think she knows that I am looking. I caught her smiling at me the other day. Is there any surefire way to know if it was flirtatious or courteous?
Flustered in Florida

Dear Luster,
It is always proper to ask a young lady to accompany you to a Tavern of your choice during your lunch break. Knowing that you are a regular at a local Tavern will definitely cement your good reputation with the woman in question. Suggest that she can inspect the condominium dispenser in the men's room (and be sure to hand her several quarters when you mention this). Try dropping your keys in front of her chair and as you pick them up compliment her on her panties (assuming that she is wearing any: if she's not, proceed directly to the nearest back seat or available dumpster or storeroom). The Great Man, Paolo Sturgesaurus, frequently tries impressing a woman in Spanish: "Hey, baby, tiene usted las Porky Lorky? (insert obscene noise here)" If all else fails, try the Gary Kleidon method: Fold a $20 bill in half (lengthwise), hand it to the lady and wink while motioning towards the door with your head. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I suspect that my low down dog of a wife is cheating on me. Should I hire a detective and nail her dead to rights or just dump her like a hot potato and avoid all the drama?
Married to a Bitch in Baltimore...Jack

Dear Ried,
Cell phones are a complete waste of time and money and they make driving very dangerous. Let's face it, everyone has a phone in their home (even Lenny, except his is turned off) and every Tavern has a phone. The only time you are in your car is going to and from the Tavern, right? If you are distracted when using the phone in the car you could easily spill your drink and ruin your dress and then you would not be attractive at the Tavern of your choice and wonderful gentlemen might not buy you drinks and you would have to run up your tab and then maybe you would be cut off and then you might start a fight and maybe even kill someone and then you might not have anyone to talk to but Scott Peterson. Dump the cell phone before it's too late. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I understand that Galt is one of the fastest growing cities in the nation. Has any credit for that been thrown your way?
Todd in Tonopah

Dear Dinton,
Galt used to be a sleepy little town with no cultural activities and very few people who lived here. Today Galt is the home of Darts at the Galt Tavern and you can also watch a famous naturally blonde with perky breasts at work at the good end of the bar and you can buy her a drink and the Galt Chinese Food and Donuts now has what they call "Baker's Dozens" which means that so many people moved into Galt to be near the GT that they now have to pack more donuts in a box or people would be starving and dying in the streets and that is bad for property values. Many classy people like mineselfly do not choose to live in mere houses but live in Doublewide Mobile Estates and we also have a Motel 6 Express which is the very very upscale version of a "chain" motel which is better than any other kind but they won't rent rooms by the hour which is another good reason to have an Estate. Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Kyo,
My dear Mama Sauerstein told me it was Irish. Irish are very famous because they invented drinking which has given the world more joy than even television or sex or shelf-stable grapefruit juice. People from Irishland also invented potatoes and priests. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I play every contest that comes along. I return every post card and every email and every letter that I find. my sister told me that all those contests are rigged and that the winners are all hand picked before it even starts. I know this would be unethical and that in America companies would not do that. Tell me that it is not true!
Lucky in Livermore

Dear Ucky,
We have many contests to help us keep mentally and physically fit here at the Galt Tavern. In the past we have had projectile vomiting (for accuracy and distance) contests, speed drinking contests (usually just prior to the aforementioned contest), bar fighting contests (with and without weapons) clever racial joke contests and many many more. You need to spend more time in a Tavern, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I am thinking about relocating to Houston Texas. I am well educated, good looking and have exceptional people skills. How does the pay in Houston compare to wages in Illinois?
Checking in Chicago

Dear King,
Texas has more bars than taverns since Taverns were invented in California...Fresno, I think, and then the best one opened in Galt. You may find yourself many miles from a Tavern and you will spend a great deal of your time commuting back and forth from the Tavern and then your spously person will get mad and you will have a big fight and the next thing you know you will be testing the theory that Texas is serious about the death penalty. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Can we know once and for all pronounce RAP music dead?
Rocker in Raleigh

Dear Leigh,
The other day when Gary Kleidon was feeding dollars into the Juke Box he accidentally pressed "Happy Birthday" about 7 times in a row (alcohol was involved) and after about the 3rd play Ron Howard spun around and said "You simple bastard!" and then rapped Kleidon atop the head very smartly with a pool cue which made it crack and that is why we have Gary to thank for the new pool cue we now have. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Do you find that beer dehydrates you when it gets really really hot?
Thirsty in Tulare

Dear Lare,
Beer was invented in the 1930's by August "Bud" Schlitz who devoted his life to helping mankind. The first beer was made in Milwaukee which is east of Galt and it used to be in cans that had these really cool removable tabs that you could make into hats and bathing suits and they used to give you signs that looked like moving water which made you want to go outside and drink beer and pee but that got out of hand so they stopped doing that and then they came up with things like "A Truly Fine Pale Beer" and "From the Land of Sky Blue Waters" and "The Champagne of Bottled Beers" and "If I Wanted Water, I Would Have Asked for Water" and "You Say One More Word to Her and I'll Smash Your Face" or something just as good. In the old days before the government got involved beer would never make people fat or mad or broke or dead and then the government made them put a secret ingredient in beer that did all of that stuff but it was then discovered that by putting whiskey or vodka or sterno in your beer the secret government ingredient would go away. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
What do you think about Desperate Housewives? I think it is more real than television fantasy. Even in my own modest neighborhood the woman are just plain horny. I would never cheat on my handsome husband. Mary, he just needs me too much and I know that he would not cheat on me either. That aside. All the rest of the ladies in the neighborhood are sluts and they would do anything with any one. Do you think I should observe this from my kitchen window or just ignore it all?
Wanting to in Wyoming

Dear Omi,
In the Galt Tavern sluts are not permitted to come near the good end of the bar and for the most part they never come beyond the waitress station which is where Ron sits but we let them put money in the juke box and I let them loan me cigs when I am out of refreshing Kools and once I borrowed a condominium from one before Manuel or George or somebody just as good accompanied me to the dumpster area so you can see that they are good for something and should be given rights just like people have except I don't think they should be using the pay phone because sometimes I want to use it and I hate to wait. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
How hot does it get in the Sacramento Valley?
Traveler in Tucson

Dear Rave,
"Hot" is something that occurs both outdoors and in cars. Since no one goes outdoors the only relevant thing is "cars." There are many ways to avoid heat in cars. Many people only get into cars after midnight and before the sun comes up, as it is rumored to do very early when everyone is asleep. Many other people hire mexicans to start their cars and get the air conditioning going but the cars frequently get stolen so be careful in that area. If you simply must get into a car it is important that your blood alcohol be at least .19% as alcohol acts as an effective anti-car-heat agent when applied properly. I'm so happy I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear May Beth,
No way to soft soap this one. I have an eating problem. Every time I see a photograph of myself I swear off over eating. Ten minutes later my face is in the cookie jar. Is there anything I can do that won't upset my lifestyle?
Girth in Great Britain

Dear Reat,
This lovely reporterette is eternally slim and youthful and looks pretty damned good even when the front door opens really wide and lets lots of "outdoor light" inside the wonderful Galt Tavern. Do what I recommend and you will be slim and happy. Every time you think about eating drink a shot of clear alcohol such as vodka or gin. Stay away from rum as that frequently causes fighting and ralphulating (or ralphulation if you are from england). After three shots of clear alcohol switch to a good dark whiskey such as that formerly available at Gemco Membership Department Store (this gorgeous gal is still a lifetime member) and now sold under the Bourbon DeLuxe and Generic store brands. If you find yourself thinking of a buffet you may double the dose of alcohol. Problem solved. Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Darling Mary Beth,
Why did you leave me here all alone. You met another, and phet you was gone?
Buck and Roy in Raleigh

Dear Andro,
Take it from this lovely reporterette, "phet" is the sound a pack of formerly nice refreshing Kools makes as it hits the tile floor of the lovely lady's room at the Galt Tavern after it accidentally falls into the toilet and you fish it out and then get mad when you realize how hard it was to get and now you need more and your knees are still sore from the last time. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Hey Yo Mary,
Where can I get a job like yours and only work when you want to and drink all day?
Crude in Compton

Dear Rude,
This is not a job for amateurs and your question clearly shows your amateur status. Could you really get up every day at noon (a time when the sun is shining, by the way, so it is very unpleasant)? Could you stumble through a maze of bottles and cans without breaking a nail or your stride? Could you balance a go-cup on a lovely leg in a comfortable K-Car whilst bouncing over the pot holes of downtown metropolitan Galt? Could you never forget your purse on the nail by your right leg at the bar except for the times when I did? Could you spill an ash tray in the ice bin and convince a professional bartender that the guy on your right did it? Could you open a package of goremay cashews or peanuts without using your teeth? Could you light the filter end of your refreshing Kool and pretend you did it on purpose? Could you order another drink, perform oral sex, pee and throw up in under five minutes? Could you find your way home to the Mobile Estate of your choice every night and not forget where you're going except for a few times? I thought not. W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
I hear that this coming summer will be one of the hottest in many many years. Do you trust the Farmer's Almanac?
Crop in Cleveland

Dear Ropi,
Mostly the temperature stays around 76 except for the time when Kleidon set fire to Ricardo Chamberino's laptop and I guess that gave the thermostat a false reading but the worst thing was that someone opened the door ALL THE WAY to let the smoke out and a lot of what outsiders refer to as "daylight" got in and it caused us to hallucinate because most of the people in the Tavern looked old and pasty and wrinkly and we are all mostly very youthful and beautiful so please stay out of the sun. I'm glad I could help, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Have you ever ridden BART? I hear it is a great for of public transit in California.
Curious in Chicago

Dear Cago,
This lovely reporterette vaguely recalls riding his younger brother Bryan or Sean or one of those California names but no one can really compare to my Hunky Bryan who should not be confused with Bart's brother because to do so would be to make a mockery of my holy relationship with him and doesn't it just infuriate you that his wife keeps bugging us to have her husband spend more time with her and doesn't she realize that that means that he would spend less time with me and that just shows you how selfish the woman is. I'm glad I could help you, dear! W&FH&K,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
Do you think that it is possible for menopausal women to peacefully co-exist for an extended period of time?
Social in Singapore

Dear Pore,
Singapore is a foreign country which means it is not us and by us I mean the real us and not the mexicans and canadians and kuala lumpa lumpas and this beautiful bloggerette does not support foreigners or foreign type stuff so please do not write again. I'm glad I could help, dear! Warm and Fuzzy Hugs and Kisses,
Mary Beth, P.D., Licensed Beautician

Dear Mary Beth,
How long have you been a professional? Drinker and writer.
Perry in Pensacola

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